Homesick

You guys were due this scribble a long time ago and I have plenty of excuses as to why it is only just now happening: I’m lazy, I’m lazy, I’m obsessed with weheartit and I’m lazy. Don’t think I mentioned it yet, but I’m a bit lazy.
I’m going to be honest with you though, the only reason why I finally decided to post this (It’s been sitting on my phone for a good month and a half now.) is because I started reading a book (God’s Will, God’s Best by Josh McDowell and Kevin Johnson) for Bible class and it inspired me to finally finish this post. If it weren’t for that book y’all would’ve been waiting a long, long while. Thank the book I finally started reading.
(Everything in italics is what I wrote on the plane write back from Texas this summer.)

I’ve found my homies, my squad… my tribe and with them a confirmation of my calling, my future. For the first time in my life I clicked instantly with a group of people who share my passion for film, in various forms, and a dream to make a difference in Hollywood.
 
There weren’t any awkward silences (A funny story about awkward silences came to mind, I’ll tell you some day.) and uncomfortable conversations, at least on my end, instead there was companionship, excitement, inside jokes, banter, and love. I could sit in complete silence if I wanted or I could sass my roommate/teammate- and although she never made it known verbally I’m sure she was somewhat relieved to see me go.
 
We bonded. I’ve found my place, I don’t want to leave. But I’m on the plane back to the east coast. Before my trip to Texas, God and I were at a standstill. Neither of us would budge.
He placed on my heart, way back in January, a desire to finish high school early. I, of course, being the ever stubborn girl that I am, said ‘no, absolutely not. I forbid it, God,’ From then on God seemed to make it his mission to prove to me that I could finish early and that He would give me grace and strength to make it through. Every time He proved to me that this was in fact his will, and not mine, I would grit my teeth, stamp my feet, and dig in my heels. I was acting like a three year old, and I knew it.
I didn’t want to climb out of my safety net and explore the plans God had for me, I wanted to stay ‘home’ with my family where I was safe.
So God sent me a scholarship to attend the camp in Texas.
I gritted my teeth. No, my way.
I was in a car accident. My ‘safety’ net wasn’t so safe. Nope.
My mom was way too overjoyed to send me down to Texas (and is currently way too happy to kick me out of her house.).20160723_201729
I stumped my feet.
I got on the damn plane to Texas. Seriously, God?
I got off the plane in Texas (and I wasn’t completely stressed out about flying by myself which is a complete miracle of itself.) For the first time in my life, I actually felt a real, comfortable, deep and meaningful connection with people who I had never met. Fine, God. Whatever, You win. Are you happy?
Word of advise: Don’t argue with God for six months.
I was scared.
I was scared of stepping out of my comfort zone and into a new, unknown situation, to be completely honest, I’m still scared. Now it’s a fearful excitement rather than complete blown out anxiety and terror.
It’s easy to remember that God’s got your back when you do the same thing day after day, year after year. Yet, it’s not easy to remember God’s got your back when he’s asking you to jump into a rapidly moving river and you’re afraid you might drown. I didn’t want to have to grow up and learn to stand on my own two feet. It’s terrifying to have to make big girl decisions now, decisions that will either bless me or haunt me for the rest of my life.
How will I break it to my parents that I’ll be flying the coop early? How will I explain to them that their daughter has grown and that God’s got an enormous, wild, crazy plan for her life? How will I tell them that I’m graduating early and I’m moving to the middle of the country, hundreds of miles away, within the next eighteen months. How do I tell them? As I raise these questions in my mind, a tentative blanket of peace begins to settle because it’ll be alright.
I randomly broke the news to my parents during the car ride to church a couple days later. I can’t remember exactly how it went but I think I made some offhand comment about how it was fine with me if they did such and such because I wouldn’t be there or something. I don’t know, my parents probably remember the conversation line for line, emotion for emotion.
Then I said something like, ‘Yeah, I’m graduating early. God and I decided this on the trip.’ My dad, much to my amazement(He has a terrible habit of horrible braking and such while we’re on the road), didn’t crash the minivan. Of course, he didn’t respond either.
My mom, on the other hand, went gaga and immediately started planning the next twenty years of my life, in great detail with the new information. Then she made the comment, ‘When I decide to kick them out of the nest, I kick’em far!’ and to my youngest sister she said, ‘Victoria, do you want to go to China when you graduate?’ My siblings found this all hilarious. I did not.
My point is: when you follow God’s path for your life, the big things are in his control… He’ll help you out. In my case, He helped me out by getting me to Texas ahead of time and by making my mom pretty much OK with the decision.
God doesn’t place something on your heart with constant words and acts of confirmation, even when you’re fighting him, if it’s not his plan for you. So, I look over the vast city of Dallas from my bird’s eye view and the tears, that I’ve been holding back through the extended hours of hugs and goodbyes, threaten at the corners of my eyes. I’m homesick, for my new family.
To new adventures;
Stay Safe.
Elisa
Advertisements

One thought on “Homesick

Comments are closed.