I am not a talker.
I hate talking. No, I detest it.
I’m still a storyteller though and that’s why I write, that’s why I splice together .mov and .mp4 clips into movies and that’s why I take pictures. Despite the fact that I hate talking I still love communicating, just with hands and tools not my lips. I’ve learned to use my words in other creative ways.
I think that’s why I decided to challenge myself with NaNoWriMo this month. I want to see all those words that I bottle up in everyday conversations and speeches come out. I’m vomiting my mind onto paper for a month and after the past week and half it’s probably the best thing I can do for my mind and my heart.
I’m taking my frustrations and my feelings out on my MC and I have to say it’s going well for her. She’s been through hell and I’m barely a quarter of the way through my story. Hell’s about to get a lot more damaging for her before she sees the songs of heaven.
I majorly stressed myself out this month by going half way pantser, something I haven’t done since late 2011 or early 2012. My story idea didn’t even come together until the night before NaNoWriMo started when I was panicking over what to fill out the ‘announce your novel’ section. I spent most of my first day sketching out a very very very vague idea of what was going to happen in my story and I completely abandoned the anal and detailed road map that I’ve been a fan of lately. I just decided to start writing. It’s the grace of God that I’ve even gotten this far, if I’m completely honest.
I’ve had to learn to trust myself, my instincts, God, and my characters again as I navigate the choppy waves of my mess of a novel. My villain started as an ex boyfriend and became a psychopathic mass murder who works for the government. My main character was supposed to be betrayed by her teammates but instead she’s become an anti hero, trying to do what’s right in her own messed state of mind. I’m just about ready to throw my hands up in frustration and blow up my laptop and my mind for coming up with this twisted tale. I just hope that in the end, I don’t end up killing everyone off like I did in PROJECT Lemonade or turn the hero into a complete villain.
I didn’t have a big theme for my story when I started. I knew what all the sub themes I wanted were but I couldn’t find something to tie it all together. Now I think I’ve figured out what the main theme is. The dangerous grey line between good and evil and how hard it is to balance on that tightrope when the world you live in wants to pull you two different ways.
The theme speaks to my mental state over the past couple months as I have wrestled with right and wrong and the grey area that seems to compass so much of our lives as the lines are blurred because sometimes we do the wrong things for the right reasons and sometimes we do the right things for the wrong reasons. How do we figure it all out and how do we balance on that delicate string that we’ve been placed on?
Who knew such a messed up twisted story could have such a philosophical meaning behind it.
I can’t wait to see the answers that my characters come up with and the paths they choose to take. While the possibilities are endless and stressing me out, there’s a small thrill of knowing that right now I don’t hold all the answers and they’ll have to find them on their own.
Tell stories that make people think.
Tell stories to make people laugh and to make them cry, tell stories because you have words to say that you can’t speak.
Tell stories because there is a fire inside of you that cannot be blown out.
You have a universe inside of you, tell me it’s story.
To all the silent words we have yet to say: